Mr Snoddy’s Body
by Philip Philmar
Mr Snoddy’s body
is frankly not that nice;
it isn’t pumped like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s -
it’s flaccid and it’s wrinkled
and bits of him are crinkled
- though not tragically compact as those of Cheggers*.
Yes, Mr Snoddy’s body
is functional - not fun,
and in physical exertion isn’t strong.
His muscle tone is zero,
he’d never play a hero,
and he never basks on beaches in a thong.
So, Mr Snoddy’s body
is best concealed by clothes,
and I don’t mean those that come with studs and rubber.
His hair is lank and sparse,
no one admires his arse,
he’s a disappointing mix of bone and blubber.
Now, Mr Snoddy’s body
has a skeleton that’s stooped -
it’s unlikely that you’ll find his posture charming.
His legs are pretty bowed,
he’s awfully pigeon-toed,
and the way he walks, his gait is quite alarming.
And, Mr Snoddy’s body
has a face on it that’s long,
with features asymmetric, not beguiling -
his ears are low and dangle,
one eye is at an angle
like a portrait in Picasso’s abstract styling.
Yet, Mr Snoddy’s body -
not decorative, but good -
inbuilt viral and bacterial defiance;
neither powerful nor stealthy -
but astonishingly healthy;
and when finished with, he’s leaving it to science.
*Keith Chegwin, presenter of Channel 5 nude game show, Naked Jungle, late ’90’s.