Mr Snoddy’s Body

by Philip Philmar


Mr Snoddy’s body

is frankly not that nice;

it isn’t pumped like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s -

it’s flaccid and it’s wrinkled

and bits of him are crinkled

- though not tragically compact as those of Cheggers*.


Yes, Mr Snoddy’s body

is functional - not fun,

and in physical exertion isn’t strong.

His muscle tone is zero,

he’d never play a hero,

and he never basks on beaches in a thong.


So, Mr Snoddy’s body

is best concealed by clothes,

and I don’t mean those that come with studs and rubber.

His hair is lank and sparse,

no one admires his arse,

he’s a disappointing mix of bone and blubber.


Now, Mr Snoddy’s body

has a skeleton that’s stooped -

it’s unlikely that you’ll find his posture charming.

His legs are pretty bowed,

he’s awfully pigeon-toed,

and the way he walks, his gait is quite alarming.


And, Mr Snoddy’s body

has a face on it that’s long,

with features asymmetric, not beguiling -

his ears are low and dangle,

one eye is at an angle

like a portrait in Picasso’s abstract styling.


Yet, Mr Snoddy’s body -

not decorative, but good -

inbuilt viral and bacterial defiance;

neither powerful nor stealthy -

but astonishingly healthy;

and when finished with, he’s leaving it to science.


*Keith Chegwin, presenter of Channel 5 nude game show, Naked Jungle, late ’90’s.